💖we can’t lose//coffin nails (s.o.c)💖

why the title, ‘we can’t lose’?

i heard it in a song once.  i’ll remember which song someday… but i was thinking about how why I’m still alive and relatively well today.  still on public assistance’s back to work program, even though i took unexcused days off for bedrest.  MY HEART FUCKING HURTS.  no lie, aspirin keeps me from going over the edge.  and when taking aspirin, i gotta chill or I get palpitations.  checked in today with the state to discuss the status of my case, and they were all so helpful and wonderful.  i expected an argument or something, given how others spoke of their experiences with dealing with bureaucracy and the like.  they kept my case open!

i really wasn’t expecting that.  was expecting to have to do the whole process over, which was really fucking long and they fucked it up the first time… ARRGGHH

Thought about the importance of public assistance.  Thought about where I live, thought about food stamps.  That which originates from the Department of Agriculture, which is pretty macabre & cool to me 😛  Agriculture, the department of cultivating the earth to produce that which we need to survive.  that years ago and even today, people think hard about what it means to survive, what is adequate.  What does it mean to live well, to live long?

Stress decreases our years.  Having a relatively stable plan to ensure that food, water and shelter are secured  decreases stress, granting us the energy to create that which sustains and extends existence.  Easier to understand as a parent.

easier to understand as an adult, living in a place in which I’ve fallen so deeply in love with its’ inhabitants.  That I wish could be for all of humanity, and there’s much work to be done to see this a reality.

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(this week has been a long, hard look at what my life’s goals are.  the accountant side of my brain has been chugging along, taking executive action of my daily agenda.  it’s quite nice, albeit somewhat scary.  very… left handed, shall we say?

i write this trying to keep my focus with half a 750ml bottle of cabernet mixed with baby aspirin in my bloodstream.  my heart needs to chill sometimes.  you can judge me if you like, but the question is, am I going to stick around to hear it?  ain’t nobody got time for dat

so again, this week’s meditations have mostly centered on survival.  i see a light at the end of the tunnel, approximately 80 working weekdays away.

To July, the month of my birth… I hope to emulate the proverbial ant which prepares in advance for the winter of my life.