Left over memories, emotions from past lives. I forgot my wallet at the supermarket checkout line, and the cashier said, ‘again? you always do that!’ I had forgotten the first time.
there’s a lot of things that I’ve forgotten over the years, like how I was able to physically make it to 29 years of age. the benevolence of others got me here, and is still keeping me and the others I care about to this day. Derivations of Earth and natural law which provide sustenance for all living things, which keeps my hope and my seed alive.
born and raised in new york, mental plane shaped by being connected to others via the ‘internet’ – macabre connections of copper wire, fiber optics and wireless frequencies. long standing traditions of my ancestors, of personal histories being compared with anything other souls wish to share~ some reinforced, others forgotten.
On a bus ride back home, a man came aboard with a woman and three children. It took me a while to realize that I used to go to church with him some years ago; so much time had elapsed. He stopped going for the same reasons as I: it started to feel like an empty ritual, going to a physical building to repeat the same routine of singing, a lecture and leaving your nice warm bed on your day off from work to keep up appearances. The pastor disapproved of their relationship, but who was he to judge that which was really none of his business?
It wasn’t an act of rebellion against God or man; he just stopped going and started following his heart.
(your heart is @ home)
It’s taken me a while to consider this tiny room of mine to be my ‘home.’ I’d always refer to it as my ‘apartment’, a place where I could separate myself from the ‘outside world.’
One of the veterans that live a few doors away really cheered my spirits up when I wasn’t feeling too well; he told me that I was among an extended family, a fraternity of sorts. Brothers in arms. He wished me a speedy recovery.
It’s been about 15 months since I first moved in. I don’t want to talk about the why’s of it all anymore. It just seems (at least for the moment) that there’s a peaceful equilibrium that exists when I just mind my own business. Not to say that I don’t care about anyone else, but… I just can’t, and will not please everyone. There’s only one other person whose happiness I can focus on without turning into a nervous wreck, and even then I’m falling short. My existing comfort lies in the fact that parenthood is a lifelong thing, and that we’ve only just begun. Opportunities to make up for lost time, for wonderful things to happen. Time heals and improves.
I have this ‘thing’ where I imagine a room with closed windows to be as a spaceship rocketing through space; buildings as ships floating atop dirt and concrete. the earth has always been in space.
i feel unstable, like i can only show my face to certain people as of late. my daughter, fellow vets, and strangers on the internet. (well, they don’t seem so strange to me… ^__^V) can’t do the military, or law enforcement again. that whole ‘us vs. them’ thing really messes with my head and i can’t function: don’t want to eat or even take a bath. just lay in bed and die. used to follow the news on reddit until so many people are now like, ‘HILLARY IN JAIL!’ I’m not a fan of the idea that locking people up in expensive boxes really makes the world any better; so many fucking bloodthirsty people out there. but that’s another tangent.
i keep telling myself, ‘ i shouldn’t feel depressed, lacking in energy, etc. ‘ maybe the issue is that word, ‘ should. ‘ it derives its’ strength from an authority, authorities that i don’t think really exist anymore. that which pushes me towards actions which are of short-term benefit and potentially lifetimes of ruinous regrets. that which moves away from the heart’s imperatives, which I’ve never questioned or regretted.
As much as I don’t want to let down the people in my life I care about, it’s important to acknowledge my limitations.
I really don’t like saying the same things over and over again, especially when it comes to discussing negative emotions such as depression and the like. Though I don’t mind when someone else bares their soul on the internet in similar fashion; I guess I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade. For the most part, I wish to live a happy, fulfilled life – the thing that bothers me really is the idea of having to disappoint those you love (and who love you) to live authentically. I think of those among the LGBT ranks (which to me is a false separation; we are all one) needing to separate themselves from those they were formerly close with in order to truly live – it’s probably much the same feeling.
living on your knees, or dying on your feet? either way, something dear must be given up.
… but what I’m feeling probably isn’t as extreme to invoke such imagery. today has been okay.