🌳🍀striving for perfection (the wilds)🍀🌳

do you ever have those days where you just feel like a vegetable and don’t want to do anything but sit there and passively soaking whatever it is that keeps you alive?

Drained of… fresh air.

Traditional Chinese medicine comes to mind.  A fire without oxygen, no matter how much fuel is present, will not burn as efficiently.  Except unlike a furnace, the body can’t hold onto its’ “wood” (food, nutrients, etc.) indefinitely.

Walked through the park for 15 minutes today, and it felt like someone lit a fire under my a**.  That feeling like breaking through your opponent’s guard in Gleam of Force, except without that lingering fear of virtual death 😁😁😁.  Something derping around in Minecraft could never replace, [as half embarrassed as I am to admit that I do on the internets. 😋] Walking through grass and dirt rather than the hard concrete that is actively f*cking up my knees.. I forgot how great it feels.

My fondest memories of childhood, apart from video games and getting yelled at for tying up the phone line with dial up internet, have been of visiting Marine Park in Brooklyn.  Playing catch in the grass, endless space to run and feel the burn of wind sprints as a young lad.  At some point it all stopped as religion began to play a larger role in family downtime (among other things), but I never stopped thinking about those vague memories of feeling somehow more alive than usual during those moments.

As the verdant green of nature was eventually accompanied with the armaments of military fatigues and adult responsibilities, I started to spend less time outdoors and more into… an isolated, foreign place of depression and suicidal ideations.  Becoming a father helped in a sense, but I never truly left that place even up to this moment.  How do you tell your seed that you sometimes don’t feel like living anymore?  Yet when I was told this myself, it seemed perfectly normal.

The pressure of living up to unrealistic expectations, disappointing blood relatives… but I would fear more to disappoint you who is derived from my raison d’etre.

Sweet dreams, everyone. (҂⌣̀_⌣́)