๐ŸŒณ๐Ÿ€striving for perfection (the wilds)๐Ÿ€๐ŸŒณ

do you ever have those days where you just feel like a vegetable and don’t want to do anything but sit there and passively soaking whatever it is that keeps you alive?

Drained of… fresh air.

Traditional Chinese medicine comes to mind.ย  A fire without oxygen, no matter how much fuel is present, will not burn as efficiently.ย  Except unlike a furnace, the body can’t hold onto its’ “wood” (food, nutrients, etc.) indefinitely.

Walked through the park for 15 minutes today, and it felt like someone lit a fire under my a**.ย  That feeling like breaking through your opponent’s guard in Gleam of Force, except without that lingering fear of virtual death ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜.ย  Something derping around in Minecraft could never replace, [as half embarrassed as I am to admit that I do on the internets. ๐Ÿ˜‹] Walking through grass and dirt rather than the hard concrete that is actively f*cking up my knees.. I forgot how great it feels.

My fondest memories of childhood, apart from video games and getting yelled at for tying up the phone line with dial up internet, have been of visiting Marine Park in Brooklyn.ย  Playing catch in the grass, endless space to run and feel the burn of wind sprints as a young lad.ย  At some point it all stopped as religion began to play a larger role in family downtime (among other things), but I never stopped thinking about those vague memories of feeling somehow more alive than usual during those moments.

As the verdant green of nature was eventually accompanied with the armaments of military fatigues and adult responsibilities, I started to spend less time outdoors and more into… an isolated, foreign place of depression and suicidal ideations.ย  Becoming a father helped in a sense, but I never truly left that place even up to this moment.ย  How do you tell your seed that you sometimes don’t feel like living anymore?ย  Yet when I was told this myself, it seemed perfectly normal.

The pressure of living up to unrealistic expectations, disappointing blood relatives… but I would fear more to disappoint you who is derived from my raison d’etre.

Sweet dreams, everyone. (า‚โŒฃฬ€_โŒฃฬ)

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20 thoughts on “๐ŸŒณ๐Ÿ€striving for perfection (the wilds)๐Ÿ€๐ŸŒณ”

  1. you forgot that at the internets you start random conversations with me under our posts and readers see and think we are hella popular bloggers when it’s us bitching about things
    (๏ฟฃฯ‰๏ฟฃ)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sounds like you’ve re-discovered the healing power for walking in the grass and the dirt. Though this stopped when religion started playing a bigger role, our Creator loves us to revel in creation. I believe we are designed to crave and heal from creation. That’s my 2 cents. Thanks for the follow!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Everything is s test these days, God tests us all, but he never gives us to much we can’t handle is what my Mama used to say. Taking walks will also help you find yourself at times which is what your doing. What’s the point of overcoming if you can’t get tired. No disappointment here my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Beautiful! Was just talking about the amazing healing powers of being surrounded by greenery. I love getting lost in some forest or park or woods. Helps me to find my way back! I hope you find your way back, too. ๐Ÿ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I get an email every once in a while from an MD who believes fully in the power of touching the Earth…. It’s kind of new agey and commercial, as she sells her books and theories like a scam… but, what she speaks of is true. We are part of the Earth, and when we lose the connection, we suffer…. Dr. Laura Koniver, I believe, is the name; I haven’t received on this week, or I’d send a link, but, Google will find her…. good info….

    As for suicide, I think everyone feels such feelings at times; I will only point out that reacting to feelings in such a way as to allow them to control actions is never a good idea. Things always change, whether we wish it or not; those changes can be hard to take, because of our feelings about them. But, feelings also change; to act on them only solves ONE problem, and, in the end, harms others, as you noted. Our actions have repercussions in reality, and we must always bear in mind that honor demands we bear those responsibilities as well as those we place upon ourselves. And even when we cannot see any viable options, they are always there. There is always another path to walk…. And, you, like all of us, are never alone, unless you wish to be so….

    Love

    gigoid, the dubious

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Your post touched me. I hope youโ€™re OK and wish you well. Other peopleโ€™s expectations and the rules and regulations of society and religion can feel like being in an invisible prison. Nature is a great liberator, as you say, allowing us just to โ€œbeโ€ โ€“ away from thoughts, emotions and human-invented pressures, etc. Joyful greetings, Sam ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You are a talented writer and get to a very real place for these posts. My mother took her life when I was a child. I can’t even imagine the pain and darkness she must have been in to do that. Her pain may be gone now but she only passed it on to me and my siblings…we carry that pain for her now. Thank you for your service to our country. You are a hero and even more important to your child(ren) ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you, and thanks for sharing that personal detail with me. Sometimes in that depressive state of mind I forget the potential effects on loved ones that persist after death… I wish you well. Looking forward to seeing more of your posts in the future, kinda needless to say! ๐Ÿ˜

      m

      Liked by 1 person

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