What does it mean to be a good father? I don’t really know. I just make it all up as I go. It’s nice to have a day like this in general; however, today has been difficult for me. The past 21 months or so have felt like being lost on one of the moons of Saturn, while my daughter and ex continue their lives on Earth.
I contemplate the idea of me and my daughter being separated for years. It is not what I originally wanted, but… I just hope that I can be there for her when she really needs me to be.
It’s so much more than parenthood, in much the same way as we weren’t born being ‘parents.’ It’s more complicated than just ‘being there’ as a caretaker as well. In a strange way, we are more like siblings 😀 , so much so that it sort of naturally feels that way given the time we’ve spent together. We have so much in common that may never be so with the others she’s related to by blood… well, at least that’s my perspective and ongoing consolation regarding the matter. for now.
You know the saying, ‘it takes a community to raise a child?’ We are all someone’s child, and… some communities you just need some distance from. Not because they’re ‘bad’ or anything; it’s more like the idea of an African American Hunter S. Thompson visiting a 1960’s bible belt church… in Georgia… with a pill of X in the mouth. And the pastor is screaming, ‘Devil, GTFO of here! :(‘ when you’re really trying to hear about how Christ loves us all.
I’m not asking anyone to take sides; hell, I’m my own worst critic ~ words like ‘deadbeat’ and ‘abandoned’ float around my head regularly. But my heart does literally constrict at the thought of visiting her present active caretakers (God bless their souls) to the point where I’m bedridden. I have nothing against them, and it would give me great pleasure to carry out the ‘traditional’ duties of a father with American and West Indian lineage… but when I see how much I hurt people just on account of being me (which triggers suicidal thoughts of ‘maybe it’d be better if I weren’t here at all’) on top of my health issues, I’m not coming around you. The past three months have been spent meditating on how I can show my love from afar with the mindset that this may be so for at least the next 13 years or so, God forbid. Really, and quite literally, I’m simply trying to avoid a potential heart attack.
There’s more I’d like to say, but then I’d be late for work. And maybe it’s time again to remove my avatar based off these words, sadly.