bittersweet father’s day

What does it mean to be a good father? I don’t really know. I just make it all up as I go. It’s nice to have a day like this in general; however, today has been difficult for me.  The past 21 months or so have felt like being lost on one of the moons of Saturn, while my daughter and ex continue their lives on Earth. 

I contemplate the idea of me and my daughter being separated for years. It is not what I originally wanted, but… I just hope that I can be there for her when she really needs me to be.

It’s so much more than parenthood, in much the same way as we weren’t born being ‘parents.’  It’s more complicated than just ‘being there’ as a caretaker as well.  In a strange way, we are more like siblings πŸ˜€ , so much so that it sort of naturally feels that way given the time we’ve spent together.  We have so much in common that may never be so with the others she’s related to by blood… well, at least that’s my perspective and ongoing consolation regarding the matter. for now.

You know the saying, ‘it takes a community to raise a child?’  We are all someone’s child, and… some communities you just need some distance from.  Not because they’re ‘bad’ or anything; it’s more like the idea of an African American Hunter S. Thompson visiting a 1960’s bible belt church… in Georgia… with a pill of X in the mouth.  And the pastor is screaming, ‘Devil, GTFO of here! :(‘ when you’re really trying to hear about how Christ loves us all.

I’m not asking anyone to take sides; hell, I’m my own worst critic ~ words like ‘deadbeat’ and ‘abandoned’ float around my head regularly.  But my heart does literally constrict at the thought of visiting her present active caretakers (God bless their souls) to the point where I’m bedridden.  I have nothing against them, and it would give me great pleasure to carry out the ‘traditional’ duties of a father with American and West Indian lineage… but when I see how much I hurt people just on account of being me (which triggers suicidal thoughts of ‘maybe it’d be better if I weren’t here at all’) on top of my health issues, I’m not coming around you.  The past three months have been spent meditating on how I can show my love from afar with the mindset that this may be so for at least the next 13 years or so, God forbid.  Really, and quite literally, I’m simply trying to avoid a potential heart attack.

There’s more I’d like to say, but then I’d be late for work.  And maybe it’s time again to remove my avatar based off these words, sadly.

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13 thoughts on “bittersweet father’s day”

  1. Really touching post! As someone who is a single parent, raised by a single parent, I’ve never celebrated father’s day. To me, the fact you actually want to be there says so much. Some can’t, for many reasons, and other’s simply don’t want to. I think a father who is just trying to do right by their child, doing the best he can with what he has, is good. πŸ’œ

    Liked by 3 people

  2. In my opinion bro, a good Father isn’t bumping your little one on the knee, having the tea parties with stuffed animals or it’s not making her laugh, but a real Father to me is someone who thinks about their child 24/7 and it seems like you do that. Whether you are one mile or one millions away, hearts are not separated by distance and never will be. It definetly sounds like your daughter is in your heart. “A good father sees their child, but that can be done with any eye, but thinking about your child makes you a better father”. I’m adopted, so my pretend father cares about me but I doubt he thinks about me daily, it’s sad to say but must be served, the better father is the one that has their on their brain and in their heart so……Happy Fathers Day to you too bro. Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Hun!!!!
    Very heartfelt I love how you didn’t hold anything back and spoke your true feelings…Sorry that you are having a rough time..I can relate to a point about kids..I have a daughter who is going to be 26 in August she is very independent and I am very proud of her and that she has a steady man for over 6+ years and they have a child and one due in September…For some odd reason and we have no idea she has nothing to do with us : ( we have only seen the first child for like 5 days at onetime when she had jury duty ..No text no phone calls no visit no nothing : ( we can’t figure out what if anything that we have done..This could become a long story lol but I just wanted to share that I get it and with my health it’s not that easy for me to get out and she used to live down the street but wouldn’t come and visit even when we offer to pick her up even tho walking distant …
    You have to take care of yourself to be the best parent you can be…I know kids don’t understand that us parents have problems lol..But from what I have read I believe that you are doing the best you can and that is what counts ..and just like above said you can tell that your daughter means the world to you and I am sure that you mean the world to her..they can just be mean lol..and Bratts lol…
    If you ever need to talk I am here…
    Hugggs and happy late fathers day to you my dear one…
    Suzette

    Liked by 1 person

      1. yes they can and yuppers we can too lol…not a problem at all I just want you to know that you are not alone…
        Thank you for the wishes and back at cha…
        Huggggs
        Suzette

        Like

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