💾reduced instruction set computer/ in the fade…💾

been just tired lately, and my keyboard is ded. lol. so i’m clicking out e-v-e-r-y letter of this post on an on-screen keyboard until i get a replacement. :/

i feel alienated from the people i live in close proximity to. used to think that this simply shouldn’t be, but now i’m coming around to feeling like this is the new normal.  i do live in the hood after all, and… well, it’s still kinda sad compared to the general vibe of being among military fam and/or college peeps. (Or Union Square, which is cool year round!)

I am thankful for life, most days.

Lately just been feeling like I’m just marking time.  I remember this year’s goal to save enough for a proper apartment to call my own (rather than my current place where my daughter can’t even visit me), but…

I vaguely remember a time when just ‘to live’ was enough.

Now I break hearts by just being me, shattering external expectations of how my life is to be lived.

‘I wonder what would be said of me if I were gay…’

I wouldn’t think myself any less of a person, or that I deserved eternal damnation for it.  And it’s so trivial.

Had a nightmare about patrolling the NYC streets in military fatigues and getting shot in the lower spine by one of my own. Woke me the hell up.  My eyes watered, but I couldn’t cry. I wanted to, though.

I know, it’s all random this post… but I feel really scatterbrained today.  The main thing really is that I wish I didn’t feel like I have to disappoint a handful of people I really care about, united by blood, in order to live a more fulfilled life, but sometimes that’s just how it must be. 

I’d like to think that my daughter would agree, and would sympathize with me if she understood fully.  That’s all I want.


For now, I am on a macabre emotional life support system constructed of bloggers, computer networks and the yield of the Earth, trying to recall the things my heart beat freely for in times past.  My senses of time and memory warp with the day’s requirements, so I try to focus on the basics for now.  My limits are time and energy.  And emotional health, which is somewhat precarious.  I can’t do it all.

But if I aim at least towards the one goal I set for myself, I think that I could relieve my mind of the more nagging concerns of raw survival and health.  So for now I tick along like the lil’ RISC microprocessor that could (such as the ARM one possibly in your cell phone today!). 😊


 

Queens of the Stone Age – In The Fade

Cracks in the ceiling, crooked pictures in the hall
Countin and breathin, I’m leaving here tomorrow
They don’t know, I’d never do you any good
Laughin is easy, I would if I could

[chorus:]
Ain’t gonna worry
Just live till you die, wanna drown
With nowhere to fall into the arms of someone
There’s nothing to save I know
You live till you die

[chorus:]
Live till you die, I know

Loosing a feelin’, that I couldn’t give away
Countin and breathin, disappearin in the fade
They don’t know, I’d never do you any good
Stoppin and stayin, I would if I could

[chorus:]
Ain’t gonna worry
Just live till you die, wanna drown
With nowhere to fall into the arms of someone
There’s nothing to save I know
You live till you die

Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marihuana, Ecstasy and Alcohol…

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “💾reduced instruction set computer/ in the fade…💾”

  1. Introspection is always good; so is sharing pain, which is always lessened thereby. I find something said by the Roman philosopher Epictetus to be valuable when my own (physical) pain and PTSD are actively bothering me, which is: “Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one thing. Some things are within our control. And some things are not.”

    And those things always change, as it all does….

    Blessed be….

    gigoid

    Liked by 7 people

    1. i think she understands enough by now to be okay with everything! it’s like telepathy, hehehehehe 💎. Thanks very much for your emotional support!!! 🎑

      Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s