💀💀💀komm, susser tod💀💀💀

image

short term memory
overrides better judgment
for a moment’s rest.

while my motto is still ‘je ne regrette rien’, it’s concerning that my long term memory is fading.Β  Feels to be a more physical cause than anything else, that my diet mirrors the instability of my life’s routines.

(lol, what routines?)

I feel like a nomad of sorts… work and relationships alike.Β  Much of this year shattered the notions of my life following a predictable story arc, which I kind of knew but never truly acknowledged.Β  I couldn’t live out that kind of story even if I wished, would drive me up a tree.Β  I used to beat up myself for not being a ‘responsible’ adult that could hold down a steady job and nuclear family fantasies.Β  Fuck that guilt trip ‘ish.Β  God knows I tried.

It’s kind of hard to admit that I am in this kind of situation… but it helps to know that I’m not the only one.Β  I don’t think any less of anyone that has gone through similar issues.Β  it’s far from enviable, believe me.Β  i’ve faith that things will get better.Β  I am quite fortunate, as a matter of fact, and sometimes forget exactly how much so this is the case.Β  (So much so, that I couldn’t tell you without someone getting hurt :P)

Last night, I had virtually no energy to actively interact with my daughter.Β  Apart from the essentials, I was useless to the world.Β  My heart tires out much easier nowadays, especially when adapting to even newer routines of living with work being a primary focus of sorts.Β  Didn’t want it to be this way, but the alternatives are reasonably worse.Β  C’est la vie.Β 

I remember thinking, ‘what if I died in my sleep?Β  Would I mind?’. The short answer is yes.Β  The long one is ‘no, but…’ which really centered around my girl living without her dad around.Β  Sometimes I remember that I’d like to live for my own sake also, to see what happens.Β  I still do live for the happiness of others as well, lovers and friends alike… but I now draw the line where my sense of self becomes unnecessarily compromised for the sole purpose of people-pleasing.

The form of much of my relationships died sweet deaths this year, and the energy remains largely intact… just as I had wished.Β  Haven’t always been right in terms of my actions, but hopefully I can make amends.Β  Fertile soil for what is to come, miniature phoenixes from the ashes of the psyche I had outgrown…Β  and am still evolving from.

And that was 2015 in a nutshell, mostly a time to live and let die.

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6 thoughts on “💀💀💀komm, susser tod💀💀💀”

  1. Most of resolving any problem or changing any situation is to admit that it exists and then to own it. Your words show a great deal of wisdom and “right-headedness”. Keep it real and keep to the high ground. Peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was great to read
    I am going through the same thing
    With my daughter
    My rock isn’t as steady as it use to be
    And she can’t handle it
    It’s been so hard for me to watch
    Thanks for your post
    It gives me hope
    As always Sheldon

    Liked by 1 person

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