short term memory
overrides better judgment
for a moment’s rest.
while my motto is still ‘je ne regrette rien’, it’s concerning that my long term memory is fading. Feels to be a more physical cause than anything else, that my diet mirrors the instability of my life’s routines.
(lol, what routines?)
I feel like a nomad of sorts… work and relationships alike. Much of this year shattered the notions of my life following a predictable story arc, which I kind of knew but never truly acknowledged. I couldn’t live out that kind of story even if I wished, would drive me up a tree. I used to beat up myself for not being a ‘responsible’ adult that could hold down a steady job and nuclear family fantasies. Fuck that guilt trip ‘ish. God knows I tried.
It’s kind of hard to admit that I am in this kind of situation… but it helps to know that I’m not the only one. I don’t think any less of anyone that has gone through similar issues. it’s far from enviable, believe me. i’ve faith that things will get better. I am quite fortunate, as a matter of fact, and sometimes forget exactly how much so this is the case. (So much so, that I couldn’t tell you without someone getting hurt :P)
Last night, I had virtually no energy to actively interact with my daughter. Apart from the essentials, I was useless to the world. My heart tires out much easier nowadays, especially when adapting to even newer routines of living with work being a primary focus of sorts. Didn’t want it to be this way, but the alternatives are reasonably worse. C’est la vie.
I remember thinking, ‘what if I died in my sleep? Would I mind?’. The short answer is yes. The long one is ‘no, but…’ which really centered around my girl living without her dad around. Sometimes I remember that I’d like to live for my own sake also, to see what happens. I still do live for the happiness of others as well, lovers and friends alike… but I now draw the line where my sense of self becomes unnecessarily compromised for the sole purpose of people-pleasing.
The form of much of my relationships died sweet deaths this year, and the energy remains largely intact… just as I had wished. Haven’t always been right in terms of my actions, but hopefully I can make amends. Fertile soil for what is to come, miniature phoenixes from the ashes of the psyche I had outgrown… and am still evolving from.
And that was 2015 in a nutshell, mostly a time to live and let die.