time shifting

today feels like the coldest it’s ever been in a long while.  living minimalistically, metabolism at a snail’s pace, time accelerating.  it is better to burn out in the summer.

Three months ago, felt like summer would never end.  had more electronic green paper to exchange for the yield of the earth.  I felt… healthier.  A taste of life in its’ ideal form.

Three months prior to that, I felt that there was no place I could truly call my home.  Much of life was in a state of transition; work, relationships and overall health.  Old solutions to new problems failed to work.

Nine months ago from today, I strongly believed that the heat of your desire would eventually enable you to reach your goals.  Naively, I forgot about the common experience of burnout among those in support work.

A year ago, I was on an antidepressant.  Death seemed better than misery.  But arguably, I felt better than I had some months earlier.  The act of choosing chemical relief, along with other redacted histories, was the start of a significant change in my life which I didn’t really know about until now.

That there is no one way to happiness, that life twists and turns in ways unexpected.  To be thankful for the people in your corner and the things you have, for they may vanish into the unknown future.  Cliche lines, sure, but I had to live it to really understand. 

My life had been defined by my work in the world of commerce for some years now.  I felt worthless when not at a job.  But it’s really an unsustainable proposition, considering the state of most in developing countries.  Wouldn’t think of them any less, so why beat myself up?

Much of it was the pursuit of what I considered to be ‘happy.’ Successful, eating out and purchasing entertainment at will, neglecting what it means to be healthy! Much trial and error (and lost weight), but much more sustainable.

A year ago my question was, ‘what is right?’ Now it is, ‘what’s right for me?’ Memories of lighter moments fill me with hope, allowing me to endure mistakes and austerity with a digital XDDDDD~

le saga continues

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