Evening Papers 1: The Present Moment

(One of those stream of consciousness posts.)

I’d love to type those magical words that would put the world to rights. That, at the very least, would place food in the mouths of babies in third world countries and place the homeless in desirable shelters. But I am only one man; there’s only so much that I can do.

Such delusions of grandeur plague my mind, that I should’ve been that person all along but just wasn’t good enough for some reason that eludes me. I have problems maintaining a healthy body weight myself, much less to tend to the impoverished of the world. Do I practice extreme self-asceticism to take care of those less fortunate? Or is this not really about them, but rather about my perceived self-importance as a result of having the power to help others, relishing that sense of control over my atmosphere?

Could it not cut both ways, perhaps?

The earth, of which we are inhabitants of, orbiting the sun; this is all considered normal in our daily state of affairs. Being conscious of it all, not to mention the juggling act of the many variables of our lives, is quite amazing as far as I’m concerned. The internet, both wired & wireless, fusing the contents of our minds together much like the mycelia of fungi organisms~ hell, one needs only visit 4chan.org to see how strange life can become. But I digress.

I used to think of life strictly with the language of ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’, commands from authority that comes from without; those who had the power to significantly influence their world of which I was a part. [Part of it being a religious upbringing, the other being the imperatives of what my parents & teachers decided was important for my life.] But as I grew, I slowly began to find that I had to make my own choices in order to pursue what I considered to be happiness. And in that, I forsook some of the teachings of those whom I looked up to while adopting… things unknown. Do I have regrets? Of course. But I think the more important question to ask is as such:

‘Despite all of the disappointments of your life, do you still love yourself?’

I’d like to say ‘yes’, but the reality is much more nuanced than a simple yes/no response. My reality is colored with lysergic acid diethylamide and cel shading from anime masterpieces such as Neon Genesis Evangelion. And also colored with visions of love in peacetime & the dissonances associated from having participated in war. The subtle vibrations of psychoactive chemicals hitting the different parts of my brain, influencing my actions in the world that I live in. By virtue of my existence, I can’t help but influence my world.

This concept is at once both empowering & frightening. Existing at the edge of consciousness in the present moment, what can’t one do?  Some take it to the logical conclusion and commit suicide; most do what they can to improve their station in life.  Such is what I will do as well, since I can.

As such, there is hope. Despite overwhelming odds, the fact that there is some sort of chance to accomplish one’s highest aims is reason enough to try~ or, at least to do enough of a decent job to come as close to the mark as possible.


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